Soft White Underbelly

Musselman's Apple Sauce Presents The Music of Seal on Ice

2009-01-01T13:23:00.000-08:00

A bunch of figure skaters dance around while Seal--looking like Morgan Freeman in Bruce Almighty--sings a bunch of songs I can't imagine anyone has ever heard. According to Seal's website, this is being rebroadcast "due to huge public demand."

WTF? Why does this exist? Do people really like Seal this much? What would Brian Boitano do? Why is this sponsored by apple sauce? Does God exist? Are we human or are we dancer?

Top 10 Presidential Candidates of 2008

2009-01-01T11:44:00.000-08:00

Having just closed out 2008 with a drunken bang last night, I, like everyt other would-be pundit, thought it'd be a good idea to take a look back at the year that was. I was going to make a list of the ten best movies of 2008, but I'm not even sure I saw ten good movies last year, so I'll hold off on that until I see a few more worthy pictures that came out last year.

Instead, since the ongoing presidential campaign saga was like a really long, drawn-out, sort of mildly entertaining movie (like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button--booyah!), I'm going to countdown the ten best presidential candidates of 2008 instead. Now, I don't want this list to be too ideological. My main criterion for this list was funniness.

10. Fred Thompson
Sam Waterston. Now there's a guy on Law & Order I'd vote for. Fred Thompson was funny because everyone in the media talked about how cool he was and how he was a natural and how he was a good-looking dude. Apparently, voters saw the same old hound dog I did because no one voted for him.

9. Rudy Giuliani
Here's an idea: run for the Republican nomination by spending all of your time in Florida and trying to hide the fact that you once lived with a gay couple. This is a much greater handicap than being black or a woman IMHO. Too bad the election wasn't held on September 12, 2001.

8. Barack Obama

He's black! And he won! And did you see him in those swim trunks?! Yowza! Just wait till he fucks up.

7. Hillary Clinton

She's a woman! And she lost!

6. Don Cordell
Just look at this guy's website. He is clearly insane. And look at that picture. Fucking brutal. I don't really know who this guy is. He apparently believes any form of globalization will destroy our country. Maybe he's right. All I know is that if this guy were president we'd all be sitting up straight and we'd stop making all that racket.

5. John Edwards

The $400 haircut was pretty good. But it was what we found out after the campaign was over that really skyrocketed Edwards to number four in this all-important ranking. His affair. It was funny enough that he tried to carry on a covert affair while running for president, but what was even funnier was when he went on Nightline and went out of his way to point out that he didn't fuck other women when he knew his wife had cancer. Class act.

4. Dennis Kucinich

A perennial favorite. Not only does he look like an elf, but he also claims to have seen a UFO at Shirley MacLaine's house. He defended himself by pointing out that lots of people, including former president Jimmy Carter, have seen UFOs. Kucinich plays like a parody of a liberal. Everything he says and does says, "This guy is a total wuss." Hell, he actually wants to create a "Department of Peace." Being a knee-jerk liberal myself I agree with much of what Kucinich says, but it's so damn embarrassing to admit it. Liking Kucinich is kind of like liking Snow Patrol. You might like what you hear, but you better hide it from your friends. But his wife is pretty hot.

3. Mike Huckabee

The Kirk Cameron of presidential candidates. He doesn't believe in evolution or choice or stem cells or gay marriage, but I'll be damned if he isn't charming. Plus he plays electric guitar. He seems like the kind of guy who could be your one conservative friend.

2. Ron Paul
This is a total upset, right? I bet you thought Ron Paul was a shoe-in for number one. Well, you'd be wrong. Although, we must admit: Pretty much everything is funny about Ron Paul.
For one, he's really short and goofy looking--much like Ross Perot, his foremost political and initial forbear.
Two, he believes in extreme libertarianism, calling for the abolishment of practically every executive department.
Three, he believes in a return to the gold standard, the most hilarious of all monetary systems. Fiat be damned!
Four, and most important, his supporters. Ron Paul, more than any politician I can think of, is defined by the people that like him. These people are willing to sit for hours on end in a hailstorm if it means they can harass at least one person about why the Department of Veteran Affairs is an affront to the Constitution. Also, his supporters like to wake up really early in the morning, drive seven hours to go to an Obama rally so they can get on camera holding "Google Ron Paul signs."
Also, practically all of his supporters are 9/11 Truthers and are adamant that you take just an hour and a half of your time to check out Loose Change, available for free on the Internet. It'll change your whole way of thinking about the government, man.

1. Mike Gravel

The crankiest, weirdest guy this side of Pat Buchanan. Alaska clearly produces the most bizarre politicians. You've got Sarah Palin, Ted "series of tubes" Stevens, and now this lady who made an ad showing her picking up dog shit for no clear reason. (Hey, it worked for Harvey Milk!)

But, not to be outdone by the dog shit lady, Gravel made a few non sequitur ads of his own. Like this one, in which he stares at you for what seems like forever and then throws a rock in a lake. Or this one, which looks like an acid flashback to an episode of Schoolhouse Rock. I guess this is what happens when half your population is composed of people who running from the law or trying to disappear themselves. Also, Gravel was the best one in the debates because he mostly just complained about how he never got to speak and then kind of crankily yelled at the other candidates while they looked slightly embarrassed.

I'm not sure what Gravel's platform was, or if he even had one, but goddamnit that guy was funny, a ray of black sunshine in the midst of a fog. Also, he is genuinely sort of a hero, in that he released the Pentagon Papers and tried to singlehandedly end the draft, presumably by berating Congress until they gave in. And he moved to Alaska before it even became a state. That shows some foresight, since Gravel clearly realized that the American equivalent of Siberia is the only place he would ever have a chance of political success. So thank you, Mike Gravel, for showing that that old guy who complains about the service at Denny's might one day run for president, and then get .02% of the vote. Gravel was such a bad candidate for president that he lost not only the Democratic nomination but the Libertarian one as well.

New Years Resolution

2008-12-31T17:10:00.000-08:00

Here's my resolution for the new year: 400 DPI. (lol)

Just kidding, guys. My real new year's resolution is to start a blog. Now, to be technical, I'm actually restarting a blog, since I've had this blog around for a few years. A few summers ago I had the bright idea of uploading a bunch of weird records from my collection and posting them here, but then I got really lazy, and stopped after about 6 posts. But this time will be different....

Or not. But I'm gonna give it the ol' Harvard try. Mostly, I'll probably post stuff about CDs that I check out from the library. And some reviews of movies. And I'll probably take pot shots at celebrities or something. Who knows! It's an exciting but mysterious wilderness into which I enter. Change is coming, ladies and gentlemen. And change we shall have.

At the very least this blog should allow me to siphon time away from applying to law school and looking for a job, the two things I should be doing. But, with some hard work and elbow grease, this blog will one day distract me from working at my job and studying for law school. One can hope.

Hulk Hogan - Hulk Rules (1995)

2007-02-27T21:38:00.000-08:00

Download the whole album
Well, out of boredom I've decided to start posting some more stuff here. What better place to start than with one of the most ill-conceived and poorly-executed records in the history of crass opportunism. The Hulkster's infamous 1995 outing Hulk Rules is truly a masterpiece of badness. From the Casio-style production to the unbelievably embarrasing rapping to the multiple reference to Hulk's "pythons," this is one for the ages.

According to the liner notes, "[Hulk's] huge pythons wrap themselves around the world of music and bring it into Hulk's control." Given Hulk's awkward, pasty-white flow, this claim is debatable. In fact, Hulk doesn't even seem to appear on about a third of these songs--for example, "Hulk's The One," about how sexy Hulk is, sung by wife Linda Bollea. But Hulk's rapping can't be touched and is the reason this album really shines. Also, the patriotic "American Made" and the skeezy beach-babe tribute "Beach Patrol" are fantastic.

The lyrics are the true star of this album. Here are some highlights:

He's got the red, white, and blue running through his veins
He was born and raised in the U.S. of A
He's government inspected, he's U.S. grade
If you mess with the flag it's like a slap in his face

Always go swimming with a buddy
Work real hard and always study

Hey check out the pythons baby
Would you look at that?

Whoop there it is, check it out, check it in
You'll be six feet deep if you touch my girlfriend
You know this homeboy can lose control
You just don't mess with the Beach Patrol

When the Hulkster comes to Heaven
We'll tag up again
The world just lost another Hulkamaniac
I wish Hulk's love could bring you back again

Music afficianados will forever debate which is worse: this album or Randy Savage's Be A Man. Both sport the same false bravado and hilarious tributes to fallen friends (Mr. Perfect in Macho Man's case, an innocent Hulkamaniac on this one).

All in all this is still less embarrassing than "Hulk Knows Best."

Best Tracks: "I Want To Be A Hulkamaniac" "Beach Patrol" "Hulkster In Heaven"

Udo Jürgens - Traumtänzer (1983, Ariola)

2006-06-02T14:01:00.000-07:00

Click here to download the entire album

I picked this one up from the sale table at my local library (St. Louis County--Tesson Ferry). Judging from the cover, I figured I was in for some mid-'80s Scandanavian synth-pop (kind of a Nordic Chris DeBurgh). Instead, I got mid-'80s German synth-pop ... with a quasi-island reggae flavor and the occasional Jacques Brel-style vocalisms (kind of a German Chris DeBurgh crossed with Sting at his phoniest). Nowhere is the faux-reggae thing more ingratiatingly retarded than on "Hallo Promille." Although, at times he seems to be stretching for a Jacques Brel vocal impersonation. All in all, not bad for 25 cents.

Apparently, Juergens is kind of an old stand-by in the German-speaking music world. According to the Babel Fish translation of die offizielle WEB-site,

"Over 5 ½ million spectator mobilized Udo Juergens alone on his 19 tours in German-language Europe in the past 40 years. Now it sets with its 20. Tour a positive signal for all, which can be pleased in a time of the changes about the stability of an entertainer, which never oriented itself at short-lived trends."

Whoever owned this before I check-marked "Die Sonne und du" and "Angela." I cannot disagree--these are fantastic. Also, the "Traumtanzer -- Finale" is pretty stirring (even if my rip is a bit distorted).

Finally, this bit of trivia from the Wikipedia entry on Udo is priceless:

"In the early 1990s, German thrash metal band Sodom released a 'metalized' cover of Aber Bitte mit Sahne (I'll have whipped cream with that) an Udo Jurgen's song about unattractive girls making up for amorous delusions with desserts-eating binges."

The Ampol Aires - They Keep Going and Going (1996, Ampol Record Co.)

2006-05-29T20:16:00.000-07:00

Click here to download the entire album

Sorry it's taken a while since the last post. I just got a new job and blah blah blah.

According to their web site, the Ampol Aires are currently in their 50th year. And with this gem, you can hear why. The Ampol Aires are masters of the polka...or something. I don't know. I actually picked this one up at CD Warehouse as a birthday present for a friend. Luckily they didn't have the CD loaded into their system, so I got it for free. Otherwise it would have cost a dollar.

The dorky-ass Energizer parody is really the star here. Also, I recommend the band history on their web site, which will teach you fascinating trivia such as the fact that "Ampol" is a portmanteau for American and Polish. Who knew?!

Listening to this CD, one can't help but muse on images of geriatrics creaking out onto a dance floor at some forsaken county fair. A painful thought and, all in all, a painful CD. Even if you like polka.

Iron Butterfly - Live (1970, Atco)

2006-05-24T14:39:00.000-07:00

Click here to download the entire album

So, you always liked "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" but it just wasn't long enough for you. Well, problem solved. I give you Iron Butterfly's 19-minute live version which covers the entirety of side 2. The song is longer than all five tracks on side 1 combined, and unfortunately it makes the file too large to post on box.net, so I've divided it in two.

The tracks I've posted all come from the original vinyl, which I picked up at Vintage Vinyl in St. Louis for 99 cents. Obviously I knew "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida," but what really enraptured me was the horrible/great cut-and-paste collage artwork that adorned the album. It features the band members' heads on animal bodies and other moderately inept proto-Gilliam collaging.

The side one tracks are a pleasant surprise, each one is nearly as strong as "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" in terms of melody, groove, and heaviness if not in ponderous musicianship. "You Can't Win" is the obligatory anti-Vietnam song while "Soul Experience" is the obligatory "open up your mind" song and so on.

The whole recording is really bass-heavy and features Darryl DeLoach's absurd vocal intonations (e.g. "Be-uh your-uh se-uh-ye-uh-elf" rather than "Be your self.")

All Music Guide had this to say:

A dull document of Iron Butterfly's thundering live show, Live is notable for its second side, which contains a 20-minute version of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida." Even though it's only three minutes longer than the original version, it's three times as tedious.
--2 stars--

Aww. It's not that bad. Also, of note: The lead singer of Iron Butterfly Darryl DeLoach looks remarkably like Wayne Coyne:

Single Bullet Theory - Single Bullet Theory (1982, Nemperor/CBS)

2006-05-20T17:11:00.000-07:00

Click here to download the entire album

Not to be confused with the metalcore band of the same name, Single Bullet Theory plays some poppy New Wave synth-rock, the kind of music that would be playing at a high school dance in a Corey Haim movie. The lead-off track "Keep It Tight" was actually a (very) minor hit, rising to the 78 spot on the Hot 100.

The story of SBT is an archetypal struggle between artistic ambition and record company incompetence that has plagued so many other coulda-beens and also-rans. They started out as X-Breed and played synth-based art rock. Then they started garnering some buzz and it was all simultaneously uphill and downhill from there (until it was all just downhill).

For my money, "Neutralizer" is the best song if only for the poignant line "She's neutralizing herself."

The Lyrical Laurences - Through It All (197?, Crusade)

2006-05-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

Click here for the whole album

This is one of those rare items which remains completely unmentioned on the internet...Until Now. Googling "Lyrical Laurences" turns up zero results, meaning this gem of rural whitebread religious folkiness was probably published in a run of about 150 or so, and all those copies now exist in thrift stores and garages. I picked it up at the Salvation Army in Kirksville, Missouri because of its beautifully dorky cover. (Note to Gary and Donna: Using the Future Shock font for the album title was perfect. It melds nicely with the matching harvest pageant outfits you picked out for the cover photo.)

The album does contain some stellar vibes playing and some remarkable drum machine programming (on "Runaway," "The Prodigal Son," and "Medley"--which has the same beat as "Runaway" except sped up to about 300 bpm). "Runaway" is the only original, and it's the real stand-out. I've listened to it several times and it still remains vaguely upsetting with its lonely vibes and If you only listen to one Lyrical Laurences song in your lifetime, make it "Runaway." "Through It All" contains some slick Al Martino-esque vocal flourishes by daddy Gary, and "Holy, Holy, Holy" is a stirring a capella track.

Overall, this album has that real traveled-the-country-in-an-RV-playing every-podunk-Baptist-ministry-in-the-lower-48 kind of feel.

Liner Notes:

This Is The Record You've Asked For...
GARY and DONNA -- As They Sound In Person

Gary and Donna, with their two sons, Dustin and Shane, travel in evangelistic work in their bus motor-home almost every day of the year. Dustin, who is five, has completed first grade and made his own record.