Instead, since the ongoing presidential campaign saga was like a really long, drawn-out, sort of mildly entertaining movie (like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button--booyah!), I'm going to countdown the ten best presidential candidates of 2008 instead. Now, I don't want this list to be too ideological. My main criterion for this list was funniness.
10. Fred Thompson
Sam Waterston. Now there's a guy on Law & Order I'd vote for. Fred Thompson was funny because everyone in the media talked about how cool he was and how he was a natural and how he was a good-looking dude. Apparently, voters saw the same old hound dog I did because no one voted for him.9. Rudy Giuliani
Here's an idea: run for the Republican nomination by spending all of your time in Florida and trying to hide the fact that you once lived with a gay couple. This is a much greater handicap than being black or a woman IMHO. Too bad the election wasn't held on September 12, 2001.8. Barack Obama
He's black! And he won! And did you see him in those swim trunks?! Yowza! Just wait till he fucks up.
7. Hillary Clinton
She's a woman! And she lost!6. Don Cordell
Just look at this guy's website. He is clearly insane. And look at that picture. Fucking brutal. I don't really know who this guy is. He apparently believes any form of globalization will destroy our country. Maybe he's right. All I know is that if this guy were president we'd all be sitting up straight and we'd stop making all that racket.5. John Edwards
The $400 haircut was pretty good. But it was what we found out after the campaign was over that really skyrocketed Edwards to number four in this all-important ranking. His affair. It was funny enough that he tried to carry on a covert affair while running for president, but what was even funnier was when he went on Nightline and went out of his way to point out that he didn't fuck other women when he knew his wife had cancer. Class act.4. Dennis Kucinich
A perennial favorite. Not only does he look like an elf, but he also claims to have seen a UFO at Shirley MacLaine's house. He defended himself by pointing out that lots of people, including former president Jimmy Carter, have seen UFOs. Kucinich plays like a parody of a liberal. Everything he says and does says, "This guy is a total wuss." Hell, he actually wants to create a "Department of Peace." Being a knee-jerk liberal myself I agree with much of what Kucinich says, but it's so damn embarrassing to admit it. Liking Kucinich is kind of like liking Snow Patrol. You might like what you hear, but you better hide it from your friends. But his wife is pretty hot.
3. Mike Huckabee
The Kirk Cameron of presidential candidates. He doesn't believe in evolution or choice or stem cells or gay marriage, but I'll be damned if he isn't charming. Plus he plays electric guitar. He seems like the kind of guy who could be your one conservative friend.
2. Ron Paul
This is a total upset, right? I bet you thought Ron Paul was a shoe-in for number one. Well, you'd be wrong. Although, we must admit: Pretty much everything is funny about Ron Paul.For one, he's really short and goofy looking--much like Ross Perot, his foremost political and initial forbear.
Two, he believes in extreme libertarianism, calling for the abolishment of practically every executive department.
Three, he believes in a return to the gold standard, the most hilarious of all monetary systems. Fiat be damned!
Four, and most important, his supporters. Ron Paul, more than any politician I can think of, is defined by the people that like him. These people are willing to sit for hours on end in a hailstorm if it means they can harass at least one person about why the Department of Veteran Affairs is an affront to the Constitution. Also, his supporters like to wake up really early in the morning, drive seven hours to go to an Obama rally so they can get on camera holding "Google Ron Paul signs."
Also, practically all of his supporters are 9/11 Truthers and are adamant that you take just an hour and a half of your time to check out Loose Change, available for free on the Internet. It'll change your whole way of thinking about the government, man.1. Mike Gravel
The crankiest, weirdest guy this side of Pat Buchanan. Alaska clearly produces the most bizarre politicians. You've got Sarah Palin, Ted "series of tubes" Stevens, and now this lady who made an ad showing her picking up dog shit for no clear reason. (Hey, it worked for Harvey Milk!)
But, not to be outdone by the dog shit lady, Gravel made a few non sequitur ads of his own. Like this one, in which he stares at you for what seems like forever and then throws a rock in a lake. Or this one, which looks like an acid flashback to an episode of Schoolhouse Rock. I guess this is what happens when half your population is composed of people who running from the law or trying to disappear themselves. Also, Gravel was the best one in the debates because he mostly just complained about how he never got to speak and then kind of crankily yelled at the other candidates while they looked slightly embarrassed.
I'm not sure what Gravel's platform was, or if he even had one, but goddamnit that guy was funny, a ray of black sunshine in the midst of a fog. Also, he is genuinely sort of a hero, in that he released the Pentagon Papers and tried to singlehandedly end the draft, presumably by berating Congress until they gave in. And he moved to Alaska before it even became a state. That shows some foresight, since Gravel clearly realized that the American equivalent of Siberia is the only place he would ever have a chance of political success. So thank you, Mike Gravel, for showing that that old guy who complains about the service at Denny's might one day run for president, and then get .02% of the vote. Gravel was such a bad candidate for president that he lost not only the Democratic nomination but the Libertarian one as well.
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